


Persuasion

by BastardSirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Blood Kink, Blood and Injury, Emotional Abuse, M/M, Non-Consensual, Out of Character, Physical Abuse, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Threesome - M/M/M, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-30 18:45:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8544907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardSirius/pseuds/BastardSirius
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING:Unhealthy relationships and physical and emotional abuse ahead!





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Unhealthy relationships and physical and emotional abuse ahead!

“Will you cut it out, Padfoot? I said I don’t want to,” Remus sighed, blushing slightly and trying to concentrate on his Transfiguration homework – because of Sirius he kept having to do all his homework right before it was due which was the only time Sirius would actually let him study for a little bit.

If you could call this ‘letting Remus study,’ that is.

“He’s just… curious, Remus.” Oh how Remus hated it when Sirius called him ‘Remus.’ Sirius either called him that in bed or when he was trying to get something. He knew very well the effect it had on Remus.

“I’m sure there’re lots of guys willing to spread their legs for James Potter. Sorry I’m not one of them,” Remus said as he closed his book and grabbed his parchment. He glared at Sirius for a second before he got up and made to leave. He couldn’t though, because Sirius had caught his arm. He turned around and saw Sirius looking into his eyes, eyebrows burrowed up and eyes looking sincerely apologetic.

“Please, Remus,” Sirius said slowly.

“I don’t understand it – why do you want me to do this so bad? What do _you_ gain out of it?” Remus’ shoulders relaxed and Sirius let him go. For a while Remus just stood there, then turned his body around to face Sirius.

“He’s my brother,” Sirius said, eyes innocent, talking like as if it was the most obvious answer.

Remus pondered this for a moment before asking slowly; “And that requires me to sleep with him why?”

“We share everything.”

“I don’t remember you going after Evans, or James letting you touch her ribbon that he has in his trunk,” Remus said, his body tense again. How could Sirius talk about him like that, like as if he was just something else to share, like as if he was a new broomstick or a bottle of firewhiskey? He felt nauseous.

“That’s different,” Sirius answered carefully. Well, it sounded careful but the meaning behind the words was something that was so brutal to Remus that no amount of sugar-coating or carefulness would’ve made things better.

Remus already knew the answer, but he couldn’t help himself. He said “How exactly is it different?”

He felt small. So small he could fit in a house-elf’s pocket. Did house-elves have pockets? No, no they didn’t. Maybe free ones did? No, house-elves couldn’t be free. But then, what happened to freed house-elves? How did people find new house-elves if none were free?

He really wished his legs would move so he could go to the bathroom and throw up. His bottom lip was shaking and his throat felt weird – he was pretty sure he’d taste vomit soon. He hoped he wouldn’t get detention for ruining library books.

“You know. D’fferent. He…” Sirius looked at the ceiling, trying to find the right words, or so it seemed. “He’s in love with her,” he said finally, looking Remus straight in the eyes.

“And you don’t love me.” It wasn’t a question. “I see. So you share things you don’t love?”

“Remus…” Sirius sighed. This wasn’t going as well as he’d hoped. “You know it’s not like that. You know we all care about you. Come on, would we have become Animagi if we didn’t care?” Sirius grinned.

_Yes, yes you would have. You wanted the thrill of performing advanced, illegal magic._

“I guess not,” Remus said, “Let me think about it.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up the second he said that. His grin grew even wider and he got up and patted Remus on his shoulder. “That’s my boy.”

Remus went to the abandoned bathroom on second floor and didn’t come out until well past dinner time. When he came out, his lips were red and swollen, his eyes the same, his mouth smelled and tasted like vomit and the side of his face was red and had pile patterns on it.

He slowly made his way up the dormitory stairs. When he reached their door, he felt like going back to the bathroom and throwing up again. Not that there was anything left in him to throw up; after the first two times, all he’d done was throw up some weird mucus-like white liquid. He performed a quick spell to make his face look normal and thanked Merlin he’d learnt tricky spells like that to keep up appearances – never before had he been thankful he was a werewolf.

He took a big breath and opened the dormitory door.

“We thought you wouldn’t come,” Sirius said with a worried voice.

 _Bastard,_ Remus thought, _you were sure I would come. That’s why Wormtail isn’t here. That’s why – that’s why you’re sitting on my bed. Why are you so good at deceiving? And why, Merlin why, do I fall for your tricks every single time, willingly?_

“Yeah,” Remus muttered, moving towards his trunk and dropping his bag right next to it.

“I’m really glad you decided to, ah, experiment with me, Remus.” Suddenly James was breathing down his neck and touching the edges of his hips. When had he moved right behind Remus? When had he gone from the Lily-Evans-chasing, grinning idiot to Sirius accomplice in using Remus?

Because that’s what they were doing. Using him. Remus had known from the beginning that Sirius wasn’t in love with him. He just wanted to fuck, and Remus was OK with that. If it meant that Sirius came back to _his_ bed and not some other person’s, Remus was fine with nothing being official, of just having the physical. As time went by though, he’d started to hope. Sirius started dating less and less and sleeping in his bed more and more. He’d thought – he’d thought that maybe Sirius might start at least liking him, if not fall in love with him. Alright, so maybe a tiny part of him had hoped that that might happen too.

But that didn’t really matter, not anymore. James was taking his shirt off and Sirius was undoing his fly. He really had no say in this. He never had, with Sirius, in any matter. Sometimes, if it fit his intentions, Sirius would wait a little while before he got what he wanted, like he had this time, a whole week, but it was all a game, Sirius had known from the beginning that Remus would cave in.

Remus hadn’t even agreed to do it, not really. He had just walked into the dormitory – what if he’d just gotten in to go to sleep?

Then again, had Sirius ever cared about that? Remus snorted.

“What is it, puppy?” Sirius asked, sounding almost – almost – loving. Bloody actor.

“Nothing,” Remus whispered, and let James lead him to the bed, closing his eyes when James started licking his chest. The gesture seemed normal enough to James and Sirius – neither of them would think it was Remus trying not to cry.

 _Or maybe they know,_ Remus thought, _maybe that’s been their plan all along; maybe they’re enjoying me hating it._

“He tastes really sweet, doesn’t he James?” Sirius said in a husky voice.

James grinned against Remus’ belly button. “Yeah.”

“Turn around,” Sirius ordered. Remus sat up on the bed and looked at Sirius with an empty look in his eyes. He tried to say with his eyes ‘I’m going to resent you if you make me do this’ but either he failed or Sirius didn’t care. “Turn around, Remus,” Sirius repeated.

“You-” Remus hesitated, his voice was shaking – as if the sore throat wasn’t enough, now he had tears threatening to roll down his cheeks, “You really are going to go through with this?” He looked at Sirius, then James.

“That’s the plan,” muttered James as he took his shirt off.

“Yeah, we are,” Sirius said, sitting down on Peter’s bed, unzipping his pants but not bothering to take anything off.

Remus got up and moved towards Sirius.

“I said turn around Remus, not come over,” Sirius said, his smile disappearing.

“I really don’t want to do this, Sirius.” Remus could barely hear his own voice, he wondered if Sirius could.

“If – We don’t _have_ to, Moony – we just… I just wanted to…” James seemed much less confident all of a sudden. Remus almost laughed. So that’s how it was. Sirius had convinced James that Remus would love this, that Remus wanted to play the obedient little cub.

“Don’t let the appearance fool you, Prongs,” Sirius said, getting up, smirking slightly, “I know Remus and you know Remus – if he didn’t want this, he’d be out of here by now.” Sirius pushed his index finger inside Remus’ mouth and started playing with Remus’ tongue. “See? This mouth is begging to be fucked, I promise.”

James let out a half-satisfied ‘hmm.' Remus looked at Sirius one last time, begging him silently to stop – he didn’t want James touching him, Sirius could touch him forever but nobody else, please nobody else.

Sirius leaned down and nuzzled his nose against Remus’ cheek. Then he whispered in his left ear: “Do this for me, Remus. Don’t you like having me in your bed at night? Do this for me.”

If Remus had been able to protest a little bit before, he couldn’t now. Not now that Sirius could be – was he? – threatening to leave him if he didn’t do this. Remus wouldn’t put it past Sirius. Sirius didn’t take it well when he didn’t get what he wanted. Remus was sure Sirius could easily find another warm body to curl up against if he wished to leave Remus.

Remus nodded slightly, then closed his eyes and started sucking on Sirius’ finger, putting both his hands on Sirius’.

“See?” Sirius grinned, and put two more fingers in Remus’ mouth.

So he would pleasure James too for one night, then things would go back to normal. As long as that meant Sirius would stay with him, Remus could accept that.

James’ eyes widened as he watched Remus work on Sirius’ fingers. He licked his lips and sat down on Remus’ bed. “I… Could he… I want him to—” he stuttered.

“Remus, go suck James’ cock,” Sirius said quietly, gently pushing Remus away with his hand that wasn’t in Remus’ mouth. He took out his fingers from Remus’ mouth after that and wiped them on Remus’ chest, smiling. “Go on then, on your knees.”

Remus turned towards James, who was scratching his legs nervously and licking his lips. Remus was almost flattered that James was so anxious, but he didn’t imagine it was because it was _Remus_. He couldn’t quite understand why James was so excited. Surely he’d gotten a blowjob before?

“You’ll be amazed at just how good a guy is at it – girls just don’t know the right spots. Older girls are usually better, but none of the birds ever matched even the worse guy I’ve slept with,” Sirius said cheerfully, looking at James’ crotch intensely.

Ah, so that was why James was so excited. Remus licked the bottom of James’ dick slowly, letting it grow harder against his cheek. James moaned, slightly tilting his head to the left. Obviously he hadn’t gotten many blowjobs or he was a loud fella, Remus thought.

He slowly licked his way all the way to the tip of the head with James groaning and moving his right left back and forward slightly. When Remus took his head in his mouth and started sucking on it, James let out a loud ‘Ah!’ much to Sirius’ amusement. Sirius chuckled and took his dick out of his pants, rubbing it slowly. Remus couldn’t see that, but could hear Sirius’ breath quickening.

After a few minutes of Remus teasing him by licking and sucking only the head, James opened his mouth and made a slight noise as if he was about to say something but before he could, Remus put his hand around the base of his cock and took the part of his cock that was uncovered by the hand in his mouth. James couldn’t even make a sound; he just thrust his hips forward.

“Calm down now, you don’t want to choke him, do you?” Sirius said but something in his voice told Remus that he would really enjoy it if James did just that. Sirius loved breath-play when he was fucking Remus, so it made sense he’d want James to do the same thing. Remus doubted James would actually choke him with his hands though.

James didn’t say anything but Remus could almost feel him blush. He just kept moving his head up and down in a steady rhythm, sucking James’ cock slowly, rubbing the base with his hand. Once you stopped thinking about the person attached to it, it wasn’t so hard to suck a cock that you didn’t want to. It helped that James had a nicely shaped cock, slightly tilted towards the bottom but almost the same as Sirius’ in every other way. Remus just kept his eyes closed and imagined it was Sirius’ cock he was sucking.

Suddenly James started thrusting into his mouth and Sirius actually laughed – before Remus could adjust, James was coming down his throat. It was unexpected and he tried to move away but he felt a pair of hands pushing him towards James’ crotch, not letting him go no matter how much he shook his head.

Once James was completely empty, the hands let him go and he started coughing, the semen that was stuck in his throat and mouth dripping to the floor as he coughed. Sirius was laughing and James was muttering something about not usually being that fast and was Remus really alright?

Finally Remus stopped coughing and sat down on the floor, putting his back against his bed, licking his lips out of habit more than anything else.

“You left a lot of it on the floor,” Sirius told Remus in an accusing tone. When Remus didn’t respond, he continued; “Don’t you think you should clean it up?”

Remus was confused because Sirius rarely asked him to clean up but he put his arm on his bed, looking for his wand.

“No, not like that. You need to eat it all. After all, you did deserve it,” Sirius said in a tone that suggested he was talking about the weather; would it be sunny tomorrow or rainy?

Remus blinked a few times before getting up. He moved towards where he’d coughed the semen out. He looked at the ground and wondered how he should-

“On all fours.”

_Ah._

He kneeled down and started licking the floor. He didn’t need to be told that’s what he needed to do, he wasn’t that slow.

Sirius chuckled some more and whispered some things to James, all the while not taking his eyes off of Remus. Remus knew, because he could feel his eyes burning holes on his back.

When Remus was done, he looked at Sirius. Just as he was about to ask if he could get up, Sirius petted his left leg. For a second Remus was confused, but then he remembered that’s how Sirius called Regulus' dog. He crawled over to Sirius and looked up at him, mouth a tiny bit open because he was still panting, the effects of the semen that went down his wind pipe not quite gone yet.

“See that, James? He wants more,” Sirius grinned, turning to James with his hand in Remus’ hair, petting him like a dog. Remus felt like he was going to be sick again.

“He… He does seem willing,” James muttered, looking at anywhere but Remus.

“I think he really wants you to fuck him, James,” Sirius said slowly, smiling down at Remus. How was it that even now all Remus could think about was how charming that smile was?

“But… Is there really any difference?” James asked doubtfully, for a second his embarrassment gone, sounding actually contemplative.

“Oh James, you have no idea what you’re missing,” Sirius said excitedly, “You’ve bagged, who – that Claire girl from 5th grade, the big-knocker Slytherin chick and that Ravenclaw slut, right? What’s-her-name, Mary?”

James nodded slowly, looking confused. “So?” he asked.

“None of them were virgins,” Sirius snorted, “Far from it actually. It’s… You know how even when you’re in them you just keep wishing the pussy could be a little tighter? Well, that’s how it is. It’s always tight. I have to admit it’s not that way with every single man, but some little cubs like Remus here have, ah, smaller-than-average holes and that makes you feel like as if it’s his first time every single time.”

He carefully ‘forgot’ to mention that it was most probably because Sirius refused to use lubrication and that Remus bled every time. Why was he so obsessed with James fucking him, Remus wondered. Was he testing his own limits? Was that it? James didn’t seem that willing to go as far as Sirius wanted to go, he had to be persuaded. Why did Sirius go through all this trouble?

“Okay,” James said.

Before James could say anything else, Sirius grabbed Remus by his left armpit and neck and pushed him to the bed. “Lay down on your stomach,” he ordered Remus in a dead-serious voice, as if he was giving him strict instructions about a potion.

Remus did as he was told.

“Now raise your arse until I tell you to stop.”

Remus did as he was told.

“There,” Sirius said when Remus was half-on-his-knees, “Now James, make sure to push his neck into the mattress, he loves that.” His eyes were sparkling.

James stood on his knees right behind Remus, feeling awkward. “So I... Er... Just put it in?” he asked.

“Well, you need to get it hard first. Just rub it against his arse cheeks until you get completely erect,” Sirius instructed.

It took James a little over five minutes to get hard again. After the first two minutes Remus started to ache because of his awkward position and James started muttering maybe they should do this another time, but Sirius encouraged him to continue.

When James was finally erect, he spread Remus’ arse cheeks as instructed to by Sirius and pushed his head into his asshole. Except it wouldn’t go in. Remus almost laughed because he’d known it wouldn’t go in. Without lubrication, you needed to be quite rough to manage-

 _Fuck, that hurt._ Remus thought as suddenly a jolt of pain ran through him. How had James figured out what to do so fast and Merlin’s balls how was he so rough? Even Sirius hadn’t been this rough when they’d first started.

“Yeah, like that,” Sirius urged James on, “Told you, it just takes a little bit of pushing like a man...”

James finally pushed his cock all the way in almost three minutes later – the progress was slow because James hadn’t readied Remus at all, not even with a single finger. When he finally did get all the way in though, James let out a groan that Remus translated in his head to mean ‘it was all worth it, this feels great.’ Or that’s what Remus liked to think, maybe, to make the situation a little bit flattering in _some_ way.

“You weren’t kidding, were you Sirius?” James whispered.

“No, no I wasn’t. Now you need to really fuck him though. It might be your first time, but it sure as bloody hell isn’t his – he’s going to need you to fuck him really hard to be satisfied.”

 _Liar,_ Remus thought, _I never need to be fucked that hard, not like this, not when it already hurts so much._

James, listening to Sirius’ words like they were the word of Merlin, started fucking Remus. Slowly at first, then so rough Remus wondered if it really _was_ his first time. Then again, maybe James was just doing what he’d do with a bird. Who knew what was going through James’ mind right now, really?

When James started making little noises as he panted and his thrusts became uneven, Sirius told him to stop.

“Why? What happened?” James asked, surprised.

“I want to fuck him, too,” Sirius said matter-of-factly.

“Can’t you do that after I’m done?” James asked. Remus was still so shocked by their tone that was the same when they discussed about whether they should eat cereal that morning or not.

“Well, for one thing it’d be sticky,” Sirius said, making James blush and look away, “And also, I really want to fuck him when he has his mouth full. I want to see what happens when he gets filled in both holes.”

James apparently appreciated the idea because he made a low sound and took his cock out, moving towards the other side of the bed. He sat down on Remus’ pillow and pulled Remus’ face up, leading it towards his cock.

“Yeah, you’re getting the hang of it,” Sirius smiled, positioning himself behind Remus. Just as James put Remus’ mouth over his head, Sirius said; “On the count of three, push his head down.”

“One...”

Why was Sirius doing this?

“Two...”

Was this all a game to him? Counting to three, seriously...

“Three!” And just like that, Remus had one cock in his arse and one in his mouth. James had been a little too enthusiastic, Remus thought, because he could feel James’ balls against his cheeks and James’ penis pushing against the back of his throat.

“Yeah, just like that. Keep him like that for half a minute or so, then let him go, make him lick you, then do it again,” Sirius instructed. It was amazing how he was managing to direct James’ actions even while he was panting and fucking Remus so hard Remus could feel his arse burning like it was being washed with boiling water.

James did as he was instructed. He kept pushing Remus’ head down for thirty seconds, thrusting only slightly. Then he let Remus go, to have him lick all over his cock. After a minute or so, he pushed Remus’ head back down again.

“Hold the base of his cock, Remus, or else he’s going to cum,” Sirius said, and Remus did.

“Ah, I – _ah_ – why shouldn’t I?” James gasped.

Sirius didn’t answer but started fucking Remus harder. Then he knelt down, his lips close to Remus’ right ear, and whispered to him; “You’re mine. You do as I tell you to do. You suck who I tell you to suck, and you fuck who I tell you to fuck. You got that?” Then Sirius got back up and kept fucking Remus, not waiting for Remus’ reply. Which couldn’t come anyway, seeing as his mouth was full.

“Padfoot... Please...” James was desperate to cum and Sirius still hadn’t told Remus to let go of James’ cock.

“Almost there...” Sirius muttered, then his thrusts started becoming shorter, rougher and less rhythmic. “You – you – Let his dick go, Remus,” he ordered Remus.

 

“ ** _Fuck!_** ” James shouted as his hips jerked up uncontrollably and he came, a second time, in Remus mouth, holding his head against his crotch again. This time Remus was ready to swallow though, and didn’t choke. He did run out of breath, but he was used to that because Sirius always made him do that, didn’t let him breathe until he came.

 

Right after James shouted Sirius stopped thrusting and came inside Remus’ arse. When they were both done coming, James leaned back against the wall and sighed and Sirius laid down on James’ bed.

 

After a minute, James suddenly opened his eyes. “Shouldn’t we – you know...?” he asked, turning towards Sirius.

 

“No,” Sirius answered casually.

 

“Weird – I hadn’t even thought... I didn’t even look to see if he was...” James looked at the lying down Remus and saw that Remus, indeed, was rock hard. “Moony you – ah – are you alright?”

Remus didn’t answer. He couldn’t. All he wanted to do was cry. He knew this wasn’t a one-time thing and this, if nothing else, proved that Sirius would never be his, Sirius would never love him. That hurt much more than being fucked by someone he didn’t want to sleep with, much more than being humiliated in front of his best friend and brother. It hurt so much Remus thought maybe he wouldn’t be able to help himself and start sobbing right there.

 

“He’s alright. He’s embarrassed now, since you’re here, but don’t worry I’ll make him cum later,” Sirius said, looking through his pockets for a fag.

 

“That was bloody amazing,” James sighed, closing his eyes again.

 

“Yeah, we should do it more often,” Sirius grinned, lighting his cigarette, “Don’t you agree, Moony?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: NO PWP PAST THIS POINT. If you're here for the twisted smut, this chapter is it! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am unsure how long this fic will be, but please tell me if you have a suggestion for me! Somebody suggested this could make a long-fic, so I might go for that. Either that or a quicker resolution in only a few chapters, still undecided.
> 
> Main question I have for y'all, though: Smut-oriented, or not? I can't decide.

**_“From what we cannot hold the stars are made”_ **

_― W.S. Merwin_

 

“Let’s smoke outside, you know Wormy hates it when we stink up the room,” James said and started getting up even though he sounded like he would very much like to fall asleep right then and there.

Sirius snorted. “You’re too good to him, mate,” he said and got up without protest. After a quick trip to the loo and hastily putting on some clothes, the two left the room.

Remus stared at the ceiling of his four-post. It was weird how he had been holding back tears just a few minutes ago but as soon as the two dark-haired boys were out of the room, he let himself relax but the tears didn’t come.

He was also still hard but he didn’t blame himself or his body for that. Sex was sex, after all. What did his cock care that his heart was aching? Animal urges didn’t need nor care about feelings.

He let his hand linger on his cock and his fingers graze it absent-mindedly. His calmness was surprising himself. He honestly did not feel like crying or breaking down. He felt numb. He thought about when he had first been turned and his family had tried to explain to him that he would be in pain once a month from then on. The first few months he had fought against it, confused and crying every time he was locked in the cellar. Then he had given in, and only numbness had been left.

 _That’s what this is, I suppose,_ he thought bitterly, _I am giving in. I am giving up the hope that that heartless bastard could ever care for anybody that isn’t James._

He knew he was being slightly unfair, it wasn’t that Sirius didn’t care for his friends at all but he felt justified in thinking whatever he wanted. Sirius had practically forced him into an unwanted threesome, and Remus found his rage well-placed.

In fact, the more he thought about it, the less sad he got as fury rose within him.

_How dare he?_

It was one thing to use Remus’ love for him to get meaningless sex, but to make him sleep with somebody _else,_ let alone their brother?

 ** _His_** _brother,_ the werewolf corrected himself, _Always James and Sirius. Wormy and Moony, the side-characters in their novel._

Regardless, Sirius’ complete disregard for Remus’ feelings when it came to sex was unacceptable and Remus didn’t understand why he put up with it.

As soon as the thought had formed, though, it went away. Of course he did. Of course Remus knew why he put up with something that he knew was wrong. Why his aunt had stayed with her abusive husband for a decade before he killed her. Why anybody did anything, really.

Love for someone else, and lack of love for oneself.

It wasn’t that Remus had low self-esteem: No lower than you would expect of a werewolf, at any rate. Remus knew he was intelligent and not bad looking, despite the scars. He had seen enough people spare him multiple glances and smiles. He knew he was as mischievous and fun as any other Marauder. Some of their greatest pranks had been born from his ideas.

Yet Remus didn’t _love_ himself, not really. Not the way James and Sirius did, and even Peter, to a lesser extent. He didn’t feel that unconditional connection to his own self. If he got a poor grade, it frustrated him. If he got an ugly scar, it occupied his mind for a few months until he got used to it, and even then he would often glamour the freshest scars. His self-worth was always tied to certain things being true, and that was the very definition of conditional.

And when somebody doesn’t love themselves and is hopelessly in love with another, well… They do anything for them. All their excuses that would sound pathetic to anybody else become truths. Their strong grips leaving bruise marks become gentle - if a bit possessive - gestures of intimacy. Their “Fuck this feels good”s become “I love you”s.

He sighed, as his fury left its place to a calmer but deeper anger, rumbling in his chest. He was still upset, but he was now quite sure he would not punch the other boy when he came back into the dormitory in a few minutes.

Remus glanced down at his cock and thought it would be best if he wanked sooner rather than later. Sirius would be back soon and might be up for another round which Remus was sure he could not handle. For all the kinky and inconvenient things Sirius had gotten him into, fucking him while he was not hard was not one of them. Remus didn’t know whether to be grateful or not. Until tonight, he had thought it was because Sirius wanted Remus to be enjoying it too. But now, after what he had done with James… Sirius probably just needed the ego boost and couldn’t be with somebody who wasn’t hard at the mere sight of his body.

 _Not that anybody could blame him for expecting that,_ Remus thought as he closed his eyes and imagined Sirius naked. In his fantasies, Sirius would be quiet and gentle. Which made little sense, really, because Sirius was anything but. How could one be attracted to fire and daydream about it being cold?

Another odd thing about his fantasies was that they almost exclusively included Sirius’ cock in him, although theoretically having free reign on them should mean he should get to fuck the arrogant asshole (no pun intended).

Then again, maybe it was because it was all he had memory to draw from. He didn’t know what it felt like to fuck someone, but he knew how it felt to have a cock in him, spreading him and grinding and hitting that spot. Sometimes, Sirius would switch positions as soon as he hit it, making sure Remus didn’t get to feel that vision-blurring pleasure again. Other times, he would pound on it relentlessly, leaving Remus babbling nonsense and gasping for breath.

Remus stroked himself harder, squeezing the bottom of his cock with his middle finger and thumb with every thrust. He brought his other hand between his legs and his fingers gently brushed his pucker. Sirius’ come was still oozing out of him, and he flinched as he touched the rim. He remembered the pain and felt that familiar ache in his chest again, but his cock twitched at the memory.

The werewolf had read enough erotic books bought from shady muggle shops around his house that he knew about kinks. Some people (birds, in most stories) liked it with candle lights and romance while a gentleman swept them off their feet with rose petals on the sheets. Other people (again mostly birds, as these seemed to be written primarily by women from the sounds of it) wanted to _appear_ that way but were turned on and gagging for it as soon as their gentleman dropped the kind act and start spanking them. Yet others were open about their kinks, even adding multiple people into the mix sometimes.

Remus wondered what _he_ would have been like, if he had had a choice. No matter the tears that came to his eyes, his body hadn’t hated what they had just done. Having Sirius whisper into his ear that he was his had made him want to growl in pleasure, not disgust. Would he have been as kinky if he had explored his sexuality slowly, with a real boyfriend? Would he have actually wanted to wear a collar and be the obedient puppy if he had not been coerced into it? Some people in dirty magazines certainly seemed to be more than willing, like Sirius had pretended that Remus was, tonight.

He shook his head on his pillow, trying to shake the thoughts away. He had to think about something other than tonight. He had to come so he would not be hard when Sirius came back.

He went back to a classic of his. Sirius, naked and beautiful underneath him, looking up expectantly, with that devious grin of his. But in his fantasy, it was a gentler smile, with lust underneath, not avarice.

Dream-Sirius would reach up at him and kiss him deeply. Not gentle but without hurting him. If their teeth clacked it was because they wanted each other so much, not because they were in a hurry to finish the kiss. He concentrated on the pleasure on Dream-Sirius’ face and ignored details such as how he was already ready as he lowered himself onto him. His fingers found a sweet spot and with a few more rough thrusts, he was done.

He turned to his side and allowed his come to get his sheets sticky. The more proof he had of already having come, the easier it would be for Sirius to see and retreat back to his own bed.

Predictably, Sirius shuffled his curtains open and laid down next to Remus. He planted a few fleeting kisses on his shoulder while Remus kept his eyes closed. They both ignored that Remus was awake. Sirius’ hands wandered down the werewolf’s chest and Remus felt satisfaction and guilt at the same time when Sirius’ fingers touched his crusting come.

Unpredictably, Sirius stayed. He wrapped one arm lazily around Remus, ignoring the come on his fingertips and let out a soft sigh before dropping his head onto the pillow and sleeping. The werewolf listened to his own heartbeat pulsing on his neck, somehow audible inside his head, and did his best to calm down. He didn’t remember falling asleep.

When Remus woke up, the warmth behind him was gone. He could tell that Sirius cast a _Tergeo_ before leaving as there was no dried come on himself anymore. He rubbed his eyes as he stretched, wondering when the taller boy had left. It was odd for Sirius to spend the night curled up with him unless he had fallen asleep right after sex.

Sirius knew Remus enjoyed it, though, so maybe this had been his apology, if Sirius Black ever gave apologies.

~

As he walked down to breakfast, he saw James and Sirius in the distance, right by the entrance to the hall, whispering. It looked like James was angry as his hands were raised and Sirius looked bored more than anything else. If it had been any other day, Remus would have assumed that Sirius had made a fool of James in front of Lily Evans, or something superficial like that.

This morning, though, it was highly likely that he was the reason for the annoyed whispers. He walked as quietly as he could while slightly limping. He was approaching the boys in silence in the hopes of catching part of their discussion. His werewolf hearing was good, but it had its limits of course. Thankfully, the dark-haired boys were caught up in their discussion and Remus got to catch some of it.

“I just wish I hadn’t been drunk,” James whispered.

 _He was drunk?_ Remus thought, surprised. In retrospect, that did make sense. Even if he had been encouraged by Sirius, Remus would not have taken James for someone who would take sleeping with a mate as lightly as he had last night.

“You would not have gone through with it otherwise,” Sirius sighed, “Did you not like it? Is that the problem? Don’t worry, nobody will force you to do it again.”

“That’s _not_ the problem,” James shot back with a deep blush reddening his cheeks, “You know bloody well that I did.”

“You worried Evans won’t go for you, after this? We’ll keep it between us, don’t worry,” Sirius said and would have sounded genuinely concerned to anybody who didn’t know better.

“Just— Parts keep coming back to me and—” James let out a sigh, unable to finish his sentence. He waved his hands in the air as if performing wandless magic.

“What is it, Potter?” Sirius whispered impatiently.

James got redder than Remus had thought possible, and scratched his neck nervously. After a few moments of silence, he muttered “I don’t think he enjoyed it.”

Sirius’ bored expression was wiped off his face and his eyes grew ever-so-slightly. Remus thought he looked panicked, although he couldn’t imagine why. “He did,” Sirius insisted.

“But he didn’t…” James’ voice trailed off as he looked away from his friend.

“You saw us this morning, yeah?” Sirius said, tilting his head down to catch James’ eyes. “I took care of him,” he lied.

“He was really all right with it?” James asked, unsure. He looked back at his friend hopefully.

Sirius broke into a grin. “Oh, I’m sure,” he said and Remus saw the tension leave his body and face.

 _Of course that was it,_ Remus thought as he walked closer to the boys, not bothering with walking quietly this time, _Merlin forbid James think poorly of Sirius. Can’t have that._

The two boys noticed him and stopped talking, Remus muttered a casual greeting without stopping. Sirius was grinning at him like the cat who got the cream. Even James had a small, uncharacteristically shy smile on his lips.

As Remus kept walking and the two other boys walked alongside him, he thought of how he would ever get out of this mess. He didn’t want to destroy his pack, he didn’t want to leave the Marauders because that would hurt even worse than Sirius not loving him. How could he untangle his friendships from what Sirius was doing to him? What they were doing to each other?

And now James…

He watched as Sirius and James started reminiscing about a prank they had pulled two days ago, laughing at the memory of the green-skinned first years screaming in the morning when they saw each other. All hell had broken loose in the dormitories.

His bark-like laughter, his face-splitting happy grin,… Sirius beamed. Even when he wasn’t joking around with James, he beamed. When Remus had first seen them, Sirius’ bored expression had still been painfully handsome and even at his most nonchalant day Sirius walking into a room lit up the air.

Sirius had been aptly named. Sure, his whole family was named after stars but nobody shone as brilliantly as Sirius Black. What chance did a skinny, scarred werewolf have of not getting caught up in the light of the brightest star in the skies?

He sat down to eat and Sirius sat next to him, letting their knees brush. He put his fork down, not hungry any more. He tried not to look down to see their trousers touching.

He was always so close. Not even a thin layer of fabric separating them, most nights. And yet Sirius, much like stars, was not entirely solid. He couldn’t grasp him, not really. He was an explosion, a bright, all-encompassing warmth that could not be held. So Remus did what he could, and took whatever it was that Sirius allowed him to have. Much like the sun’s warmth on a good summer day until sunset, Remus would bask in Sirius’ warmth on his skin as long as he could.

“All right there, Lupin?” Frank asked around a piece of bacon, “You look lost in thought.”

“Fuck off, Longbottom,” Remus replied lightly, and chuckled. Sitting down hurt quite a bit, but he was more than used to hiding pain. Frank grinned in return and went back to his breakfast.

“ _Language_ , Moony!” Peter said with a laugh.

“Shut it Wormy,” Sirius shot back before Remus could say anything, “We are _finally_ turning him, you can’t make him go back to being all nice and proper again.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’ knee but as quickly as his hand had landed, it went back up to his glass and Sirius drank his milk as if nothing had happened.

Remus smiled, thinking of the warmth on his knee that had disappeared within seconds but was still imprinted in his mind. Sirius and Peter were now making food fly at each other. Peter made milk go up Sirius’ nose and Sirius swore, casting a tickling charm on Peter in retaliation.

James was looking at Remus with a mixture of wariness and happiness, smiling softly. Remus gave him a small smile, and wondered what he would throw up if he didn’t eat anything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James confronts Remus, or at least tries to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm not making this story "too soft" - I don't want to take away from its grittiness but I have trouble writing a James that's mean at all.

“Fuck, Moony, I love it when you make sounds like that,” Sirius growled, left hand roaming over Remus’ thighs, sometimes barely brushing his cock but not quite giving the shorter boy the friction or contact he needed, making him moan in need.

Sirius stopped licking and sucking on Remus’ nape to turn his attention to right where his ear and neck met, a confirmed weak spot for the werewolf. As Sirius had expected, Remus let out a shaky and loud “Aaah” before shivering.

Remus felt guilt without understanding exactly _why_ he should feel guilty. He kept going back to that night, as he had every single time since Sirius brought James into whatever this was, two weeks ago. They had not done anything after that, not the three of them, but every time Sirius was with him now, all Remus could think about was that night.

He blamed himself for doing something he didn’t want to do, and Sirius for making him. Now he couldn’t enjoy Sirius because of what had happened. If he ever got close to not thinking about it - distracted by lectures or scheming for a prank - he would catch James’ eyes lingering on him and it would come back all over again.

Just like it had tonight, right before Sirius had pulled the curtains, veiling them from the rest of the dormitory. James had been on his bed polishing his Quidditch broom when Sirius and Remus had stumbled into the dormitory, kissing. Sirius had either not noticed James’ eyes following them as they walked across the room, or had not cared. The look James had given Remus had made him want to smile and run away all at once. He didn’t look predatorily or even curiously. It was just a simple, kind look that made the werewolf want to claw at his arms. It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch.

It wasn’t that James was not attractive. He hadn’t even minded having his cock in his mouth. But he _had_ minded that Sirius was sharing him like an object, a pet. Sirius hadn’t even let Peter borrow his owl when his had gotten sick. But Remus, apparently, was easy to share. Sirius had gone out of his way to share him, in fact.

Maybe Sirius was in love with James. Maybe this was his way of indirectly getting James. Maybe, every time they did this, Sirius was closing his eyes and imagining James underneath him.

“What are you thinking about?” Sirius growled and Remus realized he had been quiet except for soft, involuntary gasps. The raven-haired boy’s tone suggested that he was hoping to hear a dirty fantasy. His next words confirmed this. “Thinking about me fucking you, Remus?” He pressed the tips of two fingers around Remus’ hole, gently prodding but not entering.

 _It’s one of those nights then,_ Remus thought, _He wants to tease me._

He liked those nights. He could even make them happen, if he so desired. The key was to act uninterested, and Sirius would do anything to make Remus squirm in need. He had even sucked him off, once, when Remus had been too tired from the transformation to be interested in sex.

“Yeah,” Remus breathed. It would be over quicker if he gave in.

When they had first begun, their sessions had been full of energy and tumbling. As the initial burst of lust had calmed down, they had instead explored different ways to bring it back. Most of Sirius’ ideas involved Remus panting and begging. Remus would fight for dominance for a short while, each boy trying to get on top of the other and leave bit marks— and eventually Remus would covertly let Sirius win because Sirius would never yield and Remus had no desire to overpower him using his werewolf strength. Remus didn’t want to do anything Sirius didn’t want. After Remus let Sirius ‘win’, it usually took less than ten minutes.

Hoping his early surrender would lead to an early ending of the night, Remus looked up at Sirius with a look as full of desire as he could muster.

Sirius growled and kissed under Remus’ ear again. “Say it, Moony,” he breathed, planting butterfly kisses down Remus’ neck. “Say you want me to fuck you into this mattress until you can’t walk anymore.” He punctuated his sentence with a hard bite on the werewolf’s shoulder.

Remus whimpered. His mind was distracted but his body was not. His hips started thrusting up without him even noticing. Sirius chuckled.

Remus heard James put away his broom. Surely Sirius hadn’t - it was a soft sound even to his werewolf ears. His hips stopped and he felt frozen on the spot. The raven-haired boy didn’t pick his stillness up right away, and kept kissing his shoulder and playing with his hole.

James had seen them, had looked right at Remus, and was now moving. What was he doing? Would he leave? Would he try to join them? His bed didn’t creak so he was still on it.

Sirius must have asked something, because the next thing Remus heard was “Oi, what’s wrong with you?”

“Er— What?” he answered.

“I asked you if you want to top tonight, and you didn’t answer me.” When Sirius said ‘top’ he meant physically, not that Remus would get to fuck him. Still, it was a position Remus enjoyed and Sirius knew it.

“No it’s ok,” Remus murmured. Sirius sat up, legs on either side of the werewolf still, and frowned.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he sighed, “Or do I have to find Celine?”

The words stung, more so than ever. Before, Sirius’ flings or late-night snogs with random wizards and witches were inconsequential. Now, they were a reminder that Remus was just like them. Inconsequential. The difference was that Remus was easier. Remus would do anything for Sirius, even sleep with somebody he didn’t want. And if Remus wasn’t easy, well, then Sirius would leave, wouldn’t he? He had threatened as much. Remus felt nauseous, but the lack of a gagging feeling at his throat meant he would not throw up.

“Find whoever you want,” he said bitterly but quietly. He couldn’t look Sirius in the eye. Sirius, either noticing this and wanting to defy it, as he defied everything else; or because he simply wanted to, grabbed Remus’ chin and made him look at him.

“What’s your problem?”

 _How long do you have? This could take a while,_ Remus thought and resisted the urge to laugh. He had quite a few problems he could talk about.

“James saw us,” he said instead.

Sirius’ eyes lit up and he looked to the side, towards James’ bed which he couldn’t see from behind the curtains but knew exactly where it was, of course. “Oh yeah?” he asked, breathless. His ears were drawn back ever-so-slightly and Remus could see his predatory look even in the dim light. No wonder his Animagus was a dog.

“It made me uncomfortable,” Remus elaborated, since Sirius seemed to think this was a great thing, not an awkward thing.

Sirius looked down at Remus with a pout. “What, you don’t find Prongs attractive anymore?” Then his mouth twitched into a smirk. “Or do you want him so much that it makes you uncomfortable?” He brought his hand to Remus’ cheek. Remus bit his lower lip. “Yes, yes I think that’s what it is. Jamie is just a few feet away and you want him here with us again, don’t you?” As he spoke, he lowered himself and started nipping and licking Remus’ neck and torso. When he was done talking, he let a soft growl escape his lips and tickle Remus’ chest.

“I don’t think you heard me,” Remus said in as firm a voice as he could manage under the circumstances, and pushed Sirius away. His heart was beating fast but he didn’t let it stop him. “I said I don’t want to. He saw us and he was looking and I— I don’t want to.”

“Come on Remus, you were begging for me to fuck you just a minute ago.”

“Yes, well, I’m not begging now,” Remus said sternly, not commenting on the fact that he hadn’t been, even before.

Sirius sighed as if trying to tutor a first-year. “Remus, come on. You like begging and I like _making_ you beg. I _could_ go to Celine but she’s so easy and fragile and that’s not what I want tonight.” When Remus didn’t answer, he made to get up. “Fine. Fine. I’ll bring Jamie.”

“Sirius I said ‘ _no’_! Is it that difficult to grasp?”

“You never say no to me,” Sirius answered simply and, to his credit, he was not wrong.

“First time for everything, isn’t there?” Remus asked, choosing not to mention how many times he had said ‘no’ to what Sirius had made him do with James. Sirius only heard what he wanted to, after all.

When Remus looked back at Sirius, he was surprised to find confusion mixed with frustration on his face. He had expected pure anger. A tantrum, even.

The werewolf kicked Sirius out of the bed and ignored the yelp that came from the other side of the curtains as he charmed them shut. It was quiet for so long he wondered if he had cast a silencing charm and didn’t remember it. Then he heard Sirius slowly get up and leave. He felt tired, but his body was tingling with a mixture of rage and guilt. He was too on edge to attempt sleep, so he stared at the ceiling of his bed and had conversations in his head with Sirius, saying things he would never dare say out loud.

James must have heard what happened but Remus hadn’t thought about that until he saw the Marauders at breakfast the next day. James and Sirius had already been acting slightly off since their ménage à trois, but they were clearly fighting now.

 

The two dark-haired Marauders wore their feelings on their sleeves. They exploded everything around them (quite literally) when angry, ripped apart tapestries when sad. When they were having a good day, they would go to Hogsmeade and got back with sweets for the younger Gryffindors and Firewhiskey for the older ones. If they deigned to have feelings one way or the other about you, the world would know within seconds.

When James and Sirius fought, their arguments were as quiet as they were conspicuous. They would act completely normal (for them) for a while - hours, even - and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, James would ask Sirius to pass an ink bottle or some pumpkin juice and Sirius would turn around and punch him in the face hard enough to give him a swollen eye if he didn’t go straight to Madam Pomfrey. Or James would do the same to Sirius. One could never guess who would strike next.

Remus didn’t see the explosive part of their current argument when he came down to breakfast, but he noticed Peter looking nervously between the two boys and that James’ glasses were now pink and smoke was coming off of them as if they had been burnt.

This went on for several days until Sirius burnt James’ hair in Transfiguration - Remus hadn’t even heard what mundane sentence had set him off this time - and McGonagall gave Sirius detention to be served for five nights, starting the same night.

Remus was going over his Transfiguration assignment in the library when James appeared in front of him, shrugging the Invisibility Cloak off and scratching his chin at the same time. When the cloak was off and settled against a chair, James proceeded to scratch himself all over as casually as one could. Remus raised an eyebrow but didn’t think much of it. Probably James had been working on a spell for a prank that had backfired. This was a common occurrence for all Marauders, after all.

“You’re revising in the library,” James said, accusation in his tone.

“Most people do,” Remus replied, and went back to look through the book and comparing his notes to the book’s text.

“It’s difficult to find you when you do that,” the bespectacled boy went on, now scratching his left arm with more urgency than before. “That bloody witch is insane, she’s put even more charms on this place than before.”

 _Ah, so that’s why James was itching._ The librarian was determined to keep Sirius and James out of the library, and set up new traps for them whenever she found evidence of them having been there.

“You _did_ set several of her tables and books on fire.”

“I apologized!” James complained.

“You did it on three separate occasions that I recall. I don’t think there’s apologizing your way out of that one, mate,” Remus said with a grin, still looking down. Most of those had been fun incidents or pranks, he had to admit.

“Point is, you can bloody well revise in the dorm room or common room,” James sighed, now attacking a spot on his neck.

“I need this book,” Remus said with a nod towards the thick Transfiguration book in front of him. His family had not been able to afford one this year, even second-hand. “And I can’t check it out because it is the last copy left in, and it’s close to exam time. So I revise here.”

“Just take mine, Moony, I never even look at the bloody thing,” James said easily, and Remus tried not to envy him. It was true. James and Sirius always showed up to school with brand new books - required and ‘recommended extra reading’ - and barely touched them until they needed to for a particular prank or idea like the Map.

“That is precisely why you charmed it to chase and breathe fire at Slytherins the second week of school, remember?” he said and thankfully there was no bitterness in his voice. He honestly didn’t feel angry at James for being rich at all, and would have hated to sound that way.

“Right,” James said, smiling at the memory. “Sirius’, then,” he added.

“I like being here. You lot distract me.”

“Padfoot’s gone tonight.”

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked at James as if to say ‘you think you and Peter are much better?’.

James huffed. “Anyway, I wanted to talk to you.”

Remus felt his stomach sink. He had been waiting for this. The inevitable ‘I liked sleeping with boys, what does this mean, Moony?’ talk. “Mmm” he said, and turned his gaze back down.

James sat next to him and looked at him with a mixture of determination and solemnity.

“Remus,” he said softly, making the werewolf look up.

“Yes Prongs?”

“Did you hate what we did?”

Remus looked around quickly and listened for any signs of somebody being close by. Thankfully, they were out of ear-shot of others as far as he could sense. “No,” he said softly.

“I know you’re strong,” James went on, “But I feel— I mean—” He took a moment to scratch his knee with an annoyed expression, then turned back to Remus with a slight blush on his cheeks. “Sirius said he talked to you, but he can’t tell when you lie.”

“You mean he doesn’t care when I lie,” Remus shot back quickly, unable to help himself. These days even the mere mention of Sirius made him feel irritated. _Love and hate are separated by a thin line indeed._

“Right, well,” James said, not bothering to fight for his best friend, “I wanted to make sure you were all right.” He made as if to touch Remus on the shoulder, then pulled his hand back. Remus saw that James was really worried.

“You saw me enjoy it,” he said, and glanced pointedly at his crotch. He did not know how else to soothe the boy. It wasn’t untrue: His body had enjoyed the experience.

James shook his head. “Doesn’t mean you wanted to,” he said earnestly.

“Mmm,” Remus said again, and neither boy spoke for about half a minute.

“I— I talked to my dad,” James started, and Remus’ eyebrows shot up as he looked at James.

“You talked to your father about— About what we did?”

The dark-haired boy shrugged. “I had questions,” he mumbled.

“So that’s why you were off without us last Hogsmeade weekend,” Remus said, putting two and two together. “Bloody hell, Prongs,” he continued, “Who talks to their tad about shagging their friends?” He couldn’t help his face’s color changing at the thought of Mr. Potter and James discussing how James and Sirius had… Remus couldn’t even finish the thought.

“I didn’t give details,” James said defiantly. He paused and looked around, searching for words as he scratched himself on random spots distractedly. “I just asked about… About ‘consent’, I guess. That’s the word he used,” he said carefully, not looking at Remus.

“Prongs I’m stronger than both of you put together,” Remus said lightly, but both boys felt the tension around them.

Very slowly - probably cursing himself internally for being a bad Gryffindor - James looked up at Remus. “But did you want to do it?” he insisted. He licked his lips nervously. “Do you even— You know—”

“I’m bent, if that’s what you’re trying to ask,” Remus replied dryly, not wanting to answer the rest.

“And you wanted to?” James repeated.

“I like sex,” Remus said, looking around again to make sure they were alone.

“But did you want to— With me?”

Remus stopped for a moment, considering the question. He hadn’t wanted to do what they had done, but James wasn’t asking that. James was asking if he had wanted to have sex with him particularly. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why are you asking only about you and not Sirius?”

James shrugged. “You two have been shagging for a while.”

“And?” Remus asked, sensing there was more James wanted to say.

“And I see the way you look at him,” James said, moving uncomfortably in his seat with more than the hex’s itchiness.

“Mmm,” Remus said again, not wanting to form words just then.

James’ expression changed into curiosity and Remus could almost see thoughts forming in his head. “Do you want to shag Sirius?” he asked quietly, then suddenly he looked angry. “Moony,” he said urgently, “Remus, look at me.” The werewolf tilted his head towards him. “You _want_ to shag Sirius, right?”

“Can we not talk about my sex life in public?” Remus whispered back, irritated and looking around them again.

“Come to the dorm with me then,” James said, not bothering to lower this voice.

“You might not care about grades but I do, Prongs,” Remus said as gently as he could. “Later,” he added.

‘Later’ didn’t come for a while, Remus made sure of that. Just as he had been carefully avoiding sex with Sirius by well-timed blowjobs and real and fake Prefect rounds, he made sure to avoid James too. Both dark-haired boys were getting increasingly more frustrated with Remus and Peter often looked like he was about to implode from all the tension, but Remus held his ground. He would avoid this as long as he could.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gives in to Sirius. James has another talk with him.

The sexual (and regular) frustration built up until Remus almost gave in, but the nausea and guilt he felt physically stopped him. It was an odd feeling, getting aroused and ashamed at the same time. He had felt before the common nervousness and shyness that came with early sexual experiences, but nothing like this. Even the night with James, confusing as it had been overall, had not been confusing physical-reaction-wise. That was him and Sirius fighting. This, this was him fighting with himself. His body loving and hating at the same time.

He still got hard when Sirius pulled him into a snog after class, but when Sirius' hand got into his pants and touched his cock, he felt tears burning in his eyes and wanted to run away and freeze at the same time. He imagined maybe this is what people who enjoy drinking feel when the strong smell of Firewhiskey hits their nose. Disgusting, but also desirable because their body wants it: that floating, pleasant feeling of lazy happiness that comes after the first few sips of alcohol make it into your bloodstream.

The analogy worked, Remus thought, because Sirius really was like alcohol. Intoxicating and bad for you. You would reach for a cold, alcoholic Butterbeer on a hot June day but your body really needed hydration from water, not the sweet and poisonous alcohol. But Remus, Remus was an alcoholic...

So he gave in. It had taken only a month for his resolve to dissipate. He had been so proud of himself when the Full had come and gone. Apparently he couldn't blame the wolf for his addiction. Not this one, at any rate. Sirius was furiously flirting with somebody else - and it WAS furious, because he kept making sure Remus was watching and smiling evilly when their eyes met - and was about to continue kissing a Ravenclaw brunette in the courtyard when the werewolf walked up to them, and said, quietly:

"Any plans for tonight?" The fact that his voice wasn't shaking was a small miracle, he thought. He knew it was a mistake. He knew - he KNEW - he would throw up again right after, if not during. But he just couldn't stand watching Sirius with other people anymore. Their days were counted, only a couple of years until school was over and he had to have Sirius in his bed as often as he could, no matter what it entailed. He knew Sirius would get married and be unavailable one day but he wanted to save that pain for when it happened. For now, the raven-haired boy wanted meaningless sex and Remus could be the one to give that to him.

"How about right now?" Sirius said, pushing the girl off of him none-too-gently and grinning rakishly at Remus. He hadn't shaved in a few days and his stubble, coupled with his grin, gave him a roguish look. Remus' stomach turned.

The girl huffed and said something in an annoyed tone, wiping her robes, but both boys ignored her, except for Remus giving her an apologetic smile before turning around to follow Sirius back to the dormitory.

They had what was, by their standards, a rather boring session of sex. Sirius didn't seem to mind. In fact, he was fucking Remus with such ferocity that Remus wondered if he had actually gone without sex since they had stopped. He was - as he had done sometimes before - kissing Remus a lot. Not just on the lips, but anywhere he could reach without stopping. After preparing Remus (which was a pleasant surprise in and of itself) with the werewolf on his knees, Sirius had made sure that they were facing each other before he continued.

He kept licking and kissing Remus' cheeks, forehead, neck, shoulder,... The only times he looked up were to look at Remus' expression which the werewolf hoped didn't look too lustful. He was enjoying this, but a part of him didn't want Sirius to know that.

Eventually, Sirius lead the dirty-blond's hand to his own cock, signaling for Remus to touch himself, and angled for his prostate when he thrust. Remus almost let out a hollow laugh at how easy it was for Sirius to find it, and how expertly he avoided it when he wanted to.

It didn't take long for the werewolf to come, and Sirius followed shortly after. When they were done, Sirius gave him another kiss before getting up to shower. Remus didn't bother. He wanted to stay like this, covered in his own shame. He hated himself and being clean and proper didn't feel right. He didn't remove the silencing charm they had set earlier, and instead added a charm on his curtains to make sure they stayed closed, and cried until he fell asleep. He didn't remember throwing up, but the horrible smell on his pillow in the morning confirmed that it wasn't only tears on his pillow. Maybe he had coughed and it was phlegm. He didn't care. The house-elves would take care of it.

James finally managed to catch him alone when he got out of bed. It was bright in the room, too bright to be before breakfast. How long had he slept for? It couldn't have been past six when he went to bed. James was leaning on Sirius' empty bed, and staring at Remus with a stony expression.

"You look like shit, Moony."

"Ta." Remus looked towards the door, wondering if it was worth going to the Prefects' bathroom.

"Stop avoiding me," the Animagus said but, despite his stern expression, his voice was calm. "We will talk about this whether you like it or not."

Remus made a noncommittal noise and shuffled towards the bathroom, letting James follow him wordlessly. After he took a quick shower, he started shaving in front of the mirror.

"Why did you do it?" James asked. Calm again, almost soothing.

"You need to be more specific, mate," Remus asked and his casual tone sounded out-of-place even to him. James let out a huff.

"Why did you sleep with him again?"

"We slept in our own beds," Remus said, avoiding James' eyes in the mirror.

"He looked like a Niffler with gold stacks in his pocket. I know you had sex." James' patience must have been wearing thin because his voice was losing its calm now.

"So?"

"Why do you keep doing this? All it does is hurt you. Ever since…” he said, his voice trailing off. “I can tell,” he added firmly.

Remus wanted to brush it off with a joke or get angry and tell James it was none of his business. Or maybe just ignore James completely like he had been. But for some reason... For some reason that morning he didn't have any willpower left. He felt like had been gutted and was struggling to hold his insides in. He put his magic razor down. Magic or not, he felt like he could manage to cut himself.

"This is all he will give me," he whispered.

"All he does it use you, why do you love him?" James sounded curious.

Remus' head snapped up and he heard a crack when he whipped his head towards his friend, but he didn't bother denying it or asking how James had known. "I enjoy it," he said hoarsely, "The sex. I'm not a saint."

"Padfoot isn't some sex god, Remus."

"Unfortunately, he seems to be the one I want." He gave his friend a smile, but there was no humor in it.

They were both silent for a while after that, and Remus picked up the razor again and finished shaving. Somehow, even through his angst, Remus felt the air around them get lighter. James didn't look angry or stern any more. And the shower, shave, and time away from Sirius had done Remus well; he felt much more relaxed now.

“I know it sounds mad, coming from me, but I don’t think there’s only one person for everyone,” James said gently. “Don’t get me wrong,” he added, slightly raising his voice, “I _will_ woo Lily Evans and she _will_ realize what a stag I am.” ‘Stag’ had replaced ‘stud’ in James’ vocabulary a while ago. Remus couldn’t help but smile. “But if she doesn’t realize it by the end of school,” he continued, back to his gentle tone, “Life will go on. I won’t be alone for ever.”

“So you are telling me to fall in love with someone else?”

“I don’t think it’s that easy. But I also don’t want you to think that Sirius is the be-all and end-all and get stuck thinking you could never have anybody else.” James ran a thumb over Remus’ chin, smiling.

“Are you— Er— James, are you suggesting—”

James laughed, but didn’t drop his hand. “Not gay, mate. Not in love with you, either. You don’t need to worry.”

Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I liked what we did— And I will try more of it before Lily decides to return my affections,” he said, then licked his lips. “But I know I couldn’t fall in love with a bloke. I just couldn’t. Not because it’s wrong, but… I like the sex part of it, but I don’t feel the need to hold your hand or take you to Hogsmeade on a date. I don't want to wake up next to you every single day for years. It's different.”

It had taken Remus _months_ to understand what he felt about Sirius, then several more months before he had had the guts to do anything about it. And here James was, a month after his first ever experience with a boy, clearly stating his feelings and desires. Was _nothing_ difficult for his two dark-haired friends?

"I don't know what you suggest I do. I am around boys all the time, I don't want to be with any of them."

"You don't have to go straight into a relationship." He snorted, then shook his head and turned to Remus again. "Just... I want you to know that there is more to love and sex than what you're getting from Padfoot." He ran his hands on Remus' collarbone, barely visible over his sweater, and paused on a yellowing purple mark. "You always have bruises after sex." It wasn't a question, but it sounded like one to Remus.

"Not always," he huffed, rearranging his sweater to hide the bruise. It was a lie, but he felt ashamed at his situation being pointed out. It was true, what James had said. Remus always got hurt one way or the other when they had sex. It had been sexy at first, but slowly grown concerning as nobody else seemed to get this kinky treatment from Sirius. No girl he dated showed up with a scarf for a week after to hide the hickeys. Remus had stopped hurting Sirius back a while ago, but the other boy hadn't seemed to notice or care. Sometimes he wondered if his werewolf strength and endurance were what Sirius wanted him in his bed for.

"It doesn't have to be like that," James repeated. "Sex, it can be... It can be gentle and still feel fantastic. I know Padfoot always goes on about rough sex and doing it in places where you can get caught and all that rubbish, but..." He grinned. “Good ol’ sex can be brilliant as it is, especially if you're with someone that cares about you."

James' hand squeezed Remus' shoulder and the werewolf took a step back.

So that's how it was. Now James wanted it too. Sirius had been sweet too, at first… He’d told Remus he was handsome, not a monster, and that his scars were rugged, not ugly. Then it had only turned into casual - or more accurately: meaningless - sex. Which James wanted, too.

_And why shouldn't he,_ the werewolf thought bitterly, _I'm the resident whore._

He couldn't stop his jaw from setting or his eyebrows from furrowing. James noticed immediately and took a step back himself. "Moony, I'm not— Merlin—“ he fumbled over his words. “I’m making a mess of this, aren’t I?” He gulped. “We don't have to do anything at all. I just meant that if you wanted to, there are people out there who would. And yes, I am one, but I would never do that uninvited."

_And if Sirius invites you again?_ Remus looked at the sink and weighed the embarrassment versus relief exchange of what his body wanted to do. He vaguely wondered if he had some sort of medical condition that spewing his guts out seemed to be his body’s go-to emotional response.

_I should be delighted,_ he thought, _Another patron for the horny werewolf. I enjoyed it last time, so why not do it again?_

"If you ever want to, you know where I live," James joked half-heartedly, looking nervously at his friend.

"What, you won't join Sirius next time? Didn't need to ask me that time," Remus snapped, unable to help himself. He felt the familiar rage rise inside again. He was so confused about himself, about how he felt.

James visibly cringed. "Moony I—“ he started, then cut himself off and shook his head. "There is NO excuse for what I did that night. That will never happen again. And... Just please stop having sex with him. If you get too randy, just come to me. I'll do whatever you want, even if it's just to wank you off. I might not be able to undo what we did to you, but I could at least help you get over him."

"So you would rather I be in your bed than his?"

"I want to say yes, but I sense a trap,” the Animagus sighed.

"You want me to serve you instead of him," Remus said bitterly, then stared at James with fire in his eyes. "And what will that change?"

"It wouldn't be like that," James responded, annoyed, "I wouldn't be using your love against me. You're not in love with me and I would never— I wouldn't hurt you like he does. Not physically and not emotionally. We would be having sex. Nobody would be serving anybody."

The werewolf stared at the tiles on the floor, not sure what to say. He didn't understand what James was trying to offer.

“How about this,” James said softly, “If you ever want to _talk_ \- and I do mean talk - just come to me. It will keep you from doing something you regret so bad you throw up after.”

Remus wanted to object, deny, or at least ask how he knew— But there were so many different ways James could have found out. He was smart, and Remus had not made any particular effort to hide it. He sighed and nodded.

The Animagus grinned an inappropriately happy smile. 

“Now,” he said after, giving Remus’ shoulder a quick pat before moving towards the door, “That’s enough girl-talk for one day. I need to go hex some Third Years. One of them looked funny at me the other day.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I didn’t hear that,” he said, “As a Prefect, I would have to stop it, otherwise.”

“Good thing you’re deaf!” his friend said cheerfully and disappeared.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James keeps his distance, for now. Sirius, of course, wouldn't know how to begin staying away from Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for blood play. If you are bothered, don't worry, the only plot development here is at the very, very end. If you search "I don't know why I do it" you can read that part. The blood play is over by then.

**_And you got me, let go_ **

**_What you want from me? (What you want from me?)_ **

**_And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high_ **

**_Baby you got me like oh_ **

**_You love when I fall apart (fall apart)_ **

_Love on the Brain - Rihanna_

 

Finally, James had been convinced to keep his distance. He still gave Remus odd looks. Looks that reminded him of the way Lily looked at him after the Full. But at least he was not _saying_ anything any more, or cornering him in bathrooms to discuss his bloody sex life.

James and Sirius had began speaking again, but their dynamics had been clearly shifted. Like an off-center painting on a wall, their friendship just felt _off_. Sirius would be a little too desperate in his attempts to amuse James. James would be a little too stingy with his praises. Remus just took it one day at a time, trying not to think of he and Sirius’ night time activities during the day.

And Peter, Peter was quietly suspicious. He was reluctant to ask the werewolf what was wrong, but had now taken to leaving Chocolate Frogs for him on his pillow. The gesture made Remus feel worse, if anything.

Remus suspected that James had convinced Sirius to date more, try to find somebody else. Sirius sure was acting like it, at any rate. He was snogging more students than ever before, and making sure to inform James every time he happened to do so. It didn’t bother the dirty-blond, although he thought, idly, that it probably should.

He was carrying Sirius’ books to the Transfiguration class. He couldn’t even remember when the Animagus had asked him to start doing that. By now, it was habitual to pick up his books along with his own.

When he arrived at the classroom and took the books out, he found them drowned in ink. His face went white as a muggle parchment and he stared at the books with wide eyes. This was magical ink, even a spell would not get rid of it. How was he going to afford a new one?

“Ah, tough luck, mate,” Peter said, noticing Remus’ plight. “Had that happen to me in second year, remember?”

Remus sighed and nodded absent-mindedly as he put the books back into his ruined bag. There was no saving any of them now, anyway. Fortunately for him, McGonagall was more of a practical professor than theoretical. _Un_ fortunately for him, Sirius Black appeared next to him before he was done packing.

“What’s that?” he said, voice deceptively cool. It was never a good sign, Sirius acting calm and collected.

“Ink,” the werewolf explained, and found that his pulse was rapidly quickening. His chest was tightening as well. Merlin, why was he this _nervous_? Sirius could buy ten of these books and not even notice the dent in his allowance.

“Mine too, I s’pose?” the Animagus growled, irritated.

Remus nodded quietly, too afraid to look up. _Afraid_ , he thought, _the big bad wolf is_ ** _afraid_** _._

“Fuck, Moony, can you do _nothing_ right?”

‘Fuck off, should’ve carried it yourself then’ Remus might have said, what felt like a life-time ago. Maybe given him jelly legs or an annoying rash. He certainly would not have furrowed his eyebrows and stared at the curves of the wood on the desk until Sirius got bored and started chatting with James.

He didn’t quite remember when _this_ shift had happened. It hadn’t been as clear as their quiet fighting now. This time, Sirius had included James in their little arrangement and it had backfired and shifted them out of orbit. Clear-cut. Obvious. But what had happened between Sirius and Remus, many months ago, was blurrier. ‘Clear as an orb’, his father would have said.

It started bothering him, the way a song you can’t _quite_ remember does. You remember the tune, vaguely, but not the lyrics and certainly not the singer. It is stuck in your head, though, the disjointed melody.

_When when when_.

When had he started doing things for Sirius because he _had_ to, and not because he wanted to? When had he started letting him talk down to him like that? When oh when had he started having sex with him when he didn’t want to? Certainly not in the beginning, when he was so infatuated he would have willingly - and gladly - fucked right in the Great Hall during dinner if Sirius had suggested it. When had he become this pathetic excuse of a wizard, unable to utter a word of defense when his _mate_ said something daft?

His own actions and feelings confused him. He loved Sirius, of that much he was sure, as idiotic as it was to do so. Love doesn’t see reason, he knew that. Why else would his parents not have had him put down on the spot when he had gotten bitten?

He also desired Sirius. He would have had to be blind - or straight - to not do so. For all his meanness and acidic behavior, the Animagus was tall and handsome and his chiseled face left nothing else to wish for.

Infatuation and lust, he felt them both, yes. But where had his _spine_ gone, in all this mess? He used to wrestle, to fight back, when they had first began their heated affair. They would both end up with scratches and blood on their hands. Why had he stopped? Why did he want gentle and tender now, like some bloody bird?

“I can think of a way for you to pay,” Sirius whispered devilishly against his hear that night, in bed.

“Pay?” he said quietly, not opening his eyes. He didn’t want to see his friend’s excited, sadistic look.

“For my book,” the Animagus said easily, then gave Remus a strong bite on the back of his neck, drawing a hiss out of him. It was high up on his neck, so Remus would have to wear a scarf in bloody April. _Great_.

“Oh?” Remus asked, as he was supposed to. _Obedient little wolf, play along. Say your lines._

“We’ll play something,” Sirius said, breathing heavily. He grabbed Remus’ thin waist, squeezing hard enough to make his ribs hurt. “Well,” he added with a chuckle, “I will, at any rate.”

The dirty-blond hummed, and the Animagus took it as agreement. In truth, Remus hadn’t known what to say.

In a flash, the werewolf’s body was twisted and folding backwards. Sirius had pulled him harshly by his hair, and was holding him steady in an uncomfortably bent angle. His back felt like it would break. He didn’t yelp out in pain. Why give Sirius the satisfaction?

But Sirius seemed unconcerned by the lack of reaction. He bit Remus’ neck again, this time a bit more to the right. The werewolf wondered if he was trying to bite some sort of necklace onto him. _A collar, I suppose,_ he thought, _canines and all._

“I’ve read some stories,” Sirius hissed against his ear between bites. “Pain can be quite pleasurable, apparently. I know how you like a bit of it, but I think we will test just how _much_ you love it.”

More pain than usual? What was Sirius thinking of? Before Remus could begin to guess, the bed started expanding, both in width and height. Whatever Sirius had planned, he needed room for it. Was he going to turn into Padfoot and bite him?

“You could be more appreciative,” Sirius snarled, giving Remus a swift punch on the side. The choked sound Remus made pleased him, and he kissed the back of the werewolf’s ear with something akin to affection. “I am giving you a way to pay me without spending any gold. Not that you have any to spend…”

Remus gritted his teeth. A big, cowardly part of him wanted to whine and beg the way Sirius no doubt wanted him to. A bigger, vicious part of him wanted to fight back. Start clawing and biting until both boys ended up in the hospital wing. But most of all, he wanted this to be over, and he wanted his cock to soften, one way or another.

He made no sound of protest when Sirius cast spells that Remus was familiar with: One to hang his hands up in the air, another to lock the curtains shut. He didn’t moan in pleasure when Sirius started licking and kissing his neck, covering each of his teeth marks with soft kisses. The raven-haired boy continued his kissing, all the way down to Remus’ shoulders, while he tenderly ran his hands over his body. This, this felt almost like when they had first started. Remus felt _wanted_. He felt like he was something Sirius Black desired and wanted to touch, to hold.

Sirius’ hands, warm as fire, made their way painfully slowly all the way down to Remus’ thighs.

“Aah!”

The werewolf cursed himself for shouting, but he had been caught completely off-guard. How he could still manage to do that after months of similar treatment, he didn’t know.

“We start slow,” Sirius said softly, as if speaking words of love. He had cut into Remus’ leg. The werewolf refused to look down, but it felt like a thin, deep cut. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He would _not_ look to see.

Sirius’ lips roamed all over his back and shoulders, brushing tenderly against Remus’ warm skin. The werewolf felt like he was on fire, and in the back of his mind he wondered if Sirius was uncomfortable pressing up against such a warm body. He hated sleeping with thick blankets even in winter, after all.

Wordlessly, between kind kisses, Sirius kept drawing lines of blood across Remus’ thighs as the dirty-blond shuddered and fought whimpers threatening to slip out of his mouth. Satisfied with his work when he had reached the end of the werewolf’s left knee, Sirius grazed his fingers over the fresh cuts, making the other boy gasp in pain. He chuckled.

“Loving this, Moony?” he whispered, voice dripping with that dark Black malevolence. His fingers wandered over to Remus’ fully erect cock. He put his thumb over the head, wiping the dripping pre-come over it. “Yeah,” he breathed, “You love it, you slag.” He bit Remus’ right earlobe for a brief second. “Love it when I mark you mine.”

Remus didn’t see how diagonal cuts across his legs was supposed to mark him as Sirius’, but he didn’t dare comment on it. Knowing Sirius, that would make him start spelling his name out on Remus.

After a quick tug at the werewolf’s cock, Sirius put his left hand back on the other boy’s waist, holding him firmly in place. “Now, where were we?” he said quietly and damn it if Remus could not hear the amused grin on his face. “Oh yes,” Sirius hissed, “Doesn’t do to leave work half-done, does it?” Gashes started appearing on Remus’ right leg, mirroring his left. Sirius kept lazily kissing the werewolf’s back, but seemed bored enough with the cutting that the right leg was done much quicker than the left had been. It might have been the absence of shocked gasps that made it boring to the Animagus.

_Boring is good, boring means he’ll stop. Because I want him to stop. I do._ Remus wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.

“You think I’ll fuck you now?” Sirius asked evilly, spreading Remus’ asscheeks with his hands. “Can’t wait for it, can you? For me to fuck you, and claim you.”

Remus wondered if he did that on purpose, sprinkle possessive comments in between the mean ones. Because of course the werewolf closed his eyes and dreamed of being Sirius’. Of Sirius being his. Of course he enjoyed the thought of putting hickeys on each other so that the other students would see and _know_ that they belonged to each other. It was why he was hard as a rock right now, and fancying himself Sirius’, even though deep down he knew he was only a toy for his amusement, not a partner.

As if hearing his thoughts, Sirius held Remus’ chin and twisted his neck enough to reach in for a kiss. A tender, affectionate kiss, as if they were lovers. The werewolf’s chest tightened again and if his hands weren’t tied up above his head, he would have curled up into himself. His instinct was telling him to _hide hide hide_.

After their lips parted with a sloppy pop sound, there was quiet for several seconds. Remus waited, body shaking with deep breaths.

“Not yet.”

Pain.

Right under his ribs, burning pain as if he had been touched by silver. He shouted out in agony, struggling against his restraints, all composure and willpower thrown out of the window the moment he started feeling it. He tried to tell himself that he put up with much worse, every single full moon, but oh gods it hurt. Merlin and Circe, it felt like Sirius’ fingers were made of literal fire.

Finally, finally, this had stopped turning him on. He wasn’t being marked Sirius’, he wasn’t having ‘rough sex’. He was getting hurt for no reason other than a cruel boy’s amusement.

“STOP IT!”

And, to his surprise, Sirius did. Instantly.

Things were quiet again, for almost a minute. Remus kept shuddering. He didn’t know what Sirius was doing, because he was still in shock, unable to move and look back at the other boy.

“We have found it, then,” the Animagus drawled, “Your breaking point.”

The werewolf’s eyes were wide with anger and his nostrils flared as his head whipped back to stare at Sirius. “My _breaking point_?” he repeated, incredulous.

Sirius looked down at the werewolf’s side pointedly, at the handprint burnt onto his skin. “How much you will let me hurt you to brand you.”

Remus started trashing against the magical bonds again. “Let me go,” he growled. “Get these bloody things off of me.”

“Remus…” Sirius said, a note of concern in his tone. “I won’t burn you any more, I promise.” He leant over and placed one kiss on the nape of Remus’ neck, and made to put his arms around him.

“Fuck _off_ Sirius!” the werewolf shouted, startling the Animagus into freezing on the spot. He made one more futile attempt at pulling his arms away. A second after, he felt the invisible restraints loosen and drop. Sirius shifted away from him at the same time, and was sitting on the edge of the bed when the werewolf finally looked at him.

The handsome boy’s lips were pursed, and his shoulders bowed. He looked troubled. It reminded Remus of the times Sirius brooded after a fight with Regulus.

“Stop being childish, Sirius,” he spat, “Just because I didn’t let you cover me in bloody _burns_.” Was Sirius honestly going to pout like a brat because he couldn’t have his way and _burn_ him?

“No, it’s not— I won’t—” Sirius spluttered, and Remus found his anger dissipate slightly. Sirius sounded confused and perhaps even regretful. “I’m sorry,” the raven-haired boy bit out. It sounded as if the apology had hurt him to say.

“We have to stop this,” Remus said, calmer than he had intended. Sirius looked like a slapped child and Remus didn’t know quite how to navigate this remorseful Sirius. Couldn’t tell how much of it was real. He _was_ an excellent actor, after all. The werewolf couldn’t afford to let his guard down.

Sirius nodded, but his eyes were glazed over, mind obviously elsewhere.

“Sirius, we can’t— We can’t do this anymore,” Remus reaffirmed, hating the slight tremor to his voice. While he waited for Sirius to respond, he wondered if his usual healing salves would help with the burn. He had never had to treat burns, before.

“I don’t know why I do it,” Sirius said, his expression blank. His voice, as well as stare, were devoid of any emotion Remus could decipher. He looked as if his mind and soul were miles away.

Remus had a few ideas why Sirius did it, but he didn’t voice any of them. He couldn’t be sure, after all. Sirius had never failed to surprise him in their years together as friends and more. The werewolf didn’t expect the Animagus to stop surprising him now. Surely, whatever conclusion he came to in his mind, would be the wrong one. He would never truly understand Sirius Black.

“Me neither,” he said tiredly, and whispered the incantation to let the drapes fall away. He walked to the bathroom without glancing back and did not shed a single tear, despite the burning behind his eyes and in his throat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abusive relationship. Particularly if you wanted Sirius to "pay" or achieve redemption in a way he would "deserve", I can't say I'm giving that much in this chapter.
> 
> As always: Thank you for reading, kudosing, commenting. :) I'm so happy this fic is getting such unexpected attention!

Remus had expected a repeat of last month, but it didn’t come. Sirius could be found brooding with a cigarette every now and again, but that was nothing new. James was still lingering around, leaving his curtains open until Sirius slept, as usual. Even Peter had not noticed any change, which was saying a lot as the boy _always_ seemed to know if a Marauder was preoccupied.

Instead, things were…normal. They added one last charm to the map - not that it needed it, but James had thought having different handwritings would be fun. They discussed homework over breakfast, and pranking in the afternoons. It was all confusingly _normal._

Remus was hit with a thought as he passed some mashed potatoes to Peter during dinner: He could _let_ it be normal. They could be mates again, and that would be it. No lecherous looks his way from Sirius, no pity from James, no concerned chocolate from Peter.

He looked at Sirius, who was discussing the latest Quidditch match with James and a fourth-year student. Sirius’ smile was lopsided and small, but that was disturbingly normal too. The dark-haired boy rarely put on a big grin.

_Normal,_ Remus thought again, in surprise.

~

Masochism was the only way Remus could explain what made him walk over to James’ bed that night when they were alone in the dormitory.

“Hey Jamie,” he said softly, standing less than a feet from the other boy.

James glanced up from the Quidditch magazine he had been reading, and shot Remus a small smile before going back to it. “Hey Moony.”

“We stopped,” Remus declared. He knew that James knew, but it still felt important to say. James must have thought so too, because he set his magazine aside and sat up on his bed, gesturing for Remus to sit across from him.

The werewolf did so, and waited for James to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he just looked at Remus curiously, as if looking at the latest magical creature their professor had brought into the classroom.

“Sirius. We’re not… We don’t shag anymore.”

“I know,” James said, but his voice was kind.

Another awkward pause followed James’ words. Remus fought the urge to start fidgeting.

“So what now?” he found himself asking, although he couldn’t imagine that James would an answer.

Predictably, James shrugged with one shoulder. “Whatever you want,” he said easily. “I was going to tell Padfoot to give you your space, but even a broken clock is right twice a day, and the daft git thought of it before I had a chance to tell him.”

“Oh.” Remus started playing with his fingers nervously. He didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t think you should get back together with him,” James said carefully.

Remus’ head snapped up and he looked at James in surprise. Even _he_ hadn’t been thinking of that, why was James? “I didn’t— I wasn’t suggesting that.”

“I know,” James agreed. “But I did think about it, when he…” He looked away and paused, clearly not wanting to share details of whatever he was thinking of with Remus. “He _does_ know what a colossal git he’s been,” he said in the end.

“He does?” The question had come instinctively, as well as the teasing tone, but James didn’t seem to mind or get derailed by it.

“It’s weird, trying to figure you two out,” James sighed. “On one hand, I don’t even _want_ to be thinking about my mates’ sex lives, but on the other hand you two are too stupid to figure it out on your own.”

“Ta, Jamie,” Remus replied dryly, but he knew what James meant. _This is all so stupid, and needlessly complicated._

James tapped his fingers absentmindedly on the magazine next to him as he thought about his next words. “In his own way, I think he loves you too,” he said with uncharacteristic quietude. “He doesn’t know _how to,_ the idiot. But he didn’t _mean_ to hurt you, I don’t think.”

“He never does, does he?” Remus said, smiling in spite of himself. He wondered how much James knew, exactly, of what Sirius had done.

James shrugged again, thinking no doubt of things said between the two dark-haired boys that Remus would never know. “I still think you both need time. And maybe, years later when he’s slightly less of an idiot, if you still want him…” James’ voice trailed off suggestively.

It was difficult for Remus to imagine _ever_ not wanting Sirius. And yet, practically, he knew that it was possible. _Years later,_ Remus thought. _Years._ He nodded.

“You really think he loves me?” Remus asked, hating himself and the knot in his stomach as he said so. He couldn’t ask Sirius, so he _had_ to ask James.

“Yeah,” James sighed. “He just— He felt the attraction very strongly I think, and didn’t know what to do with himself.”

Remus frowned. He didn’t understand what James was saying, but he didn’t want to contradict his friend either. He felt like he must be missing something obvious, but then James clarified himself.

“We learn affection from our parents,” James said slowly. “I told Peter to get Cassie a leather-bound notebook and not flowers not because I know what I’m doing - although I do - but because I remembered my dad doing that for mum.” He paused. “I don’t think Padfoot got that. At home.”

Remus snorted. “You think Sirius thought doing—” He couldn’t say it out loud. “That _that_ was a show of affection? Sirius isn’t _that_ daft.”

James looked chagrined. “No,” he admitted. “Just… He started getting feelings for you, I think, and didn’t know what to do about it. So he lashed out.”

“At me.” Remus’ voice was bitter.

“At you,” James agreed sadly.

It didn’t make sense to Remus, not really. But if anybody had any chance of understanding Sirius, it was James, so he chose to believe him. The fact that thinking of Sirius loving him made him happy was a pleasant side-effect, of course. And if anybody knew what to with Sirius, that was James as well. And James was telling Remus to stay away.

_Great. He’s telling me Sirius loves me, and that I can’t be with him._

James shot Remus an apologetic smile.

“Thank you, James.”

“Thank you for not killing my best friend,” James said with fake cheer.

Remus laughed, genuinely, and asked if James wanted to play a round of Snap.

~

Life continued being eerily normal and Remus found himself relaxing. Sirius as well, seemed to be settling in to an existence less focused on Remus. The four of them were still almost always together, of course, but Sirius didn’t tease the werewolf as much about hours spent at the library, or linger by Remus’ bed on the way to his own. He seemed to be letting Remus be, as James had suggested.

It worked until, for the first time in his life, Remus got asked out, out of the blue. He had had his own share of teenage flirting and even kisses, but he had never been officially - and completely randomly - asked to go to Hogsmeade before.

He barely remembered the Ravenclaw’s face, let alone his name. When the Ravenclaw asked him, a few minutes before their Charms class started, he blinked several times as he hummed at the poor boy waiting for an answer. “I—” he stuttered in the end. “I’ll ask if—”

He’d _meant_ to say that he would check if his friends had plans (they often used the emptiness of the castle during Hogsmeade weekends to their pranking advantage).

What happened instead was that Remus was interrupted by Sirius snarling “He’s saying no”, a few wooden boxes on Flitwick’s desk exploding, and a frustrated-looking Black boy rushing out of the classroom.

James laughed so hard he snorted. Peter raised his eyebrows and smiled nervously, but didn’t comment.

“Oh, I didn’t—” the Ravenclaw boy said, staring after Sirius, then turning back to Remus. “Sorry, I thought that was— Nevermind.” He turned to leave.

“No, you’re right,” James said, cheerfully. “Moony - Remus, that is - is not with the dramatic camp boy that just stomped out of here.” He sounded awfully happy about the embarrassing situation, and Remus had to wonder if James had finally learned how to act, or if he found this childish display _actually_ amusing.

The Ravenclaw boy - Remus would really need to start remembering his name - looked at Remus questioningly.

“He _does_ seem angry about something or another, though,” Remus said, avoiding looking at the other boy’s eyes. “I should go see what’s wrong.” He left the room before the Ravenclaw had a chance to respond. It was a good thing, too, because before he even turned the corner, he heard Flitwick enter the classroom.

When he found Sirius, the dark-haired boy was moping in the empty common room. He didn’t look at Remus when he entered through the portrait hole.

“Padfoot?” Remus asked cautiously.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius sighed.

“You almost sound like you mean it,” Remus teased.

Sirius glared at the floor.

“It’s alright, Padfoot. You didn’t do anything.” He sat in an armchair across from Sirius.

“I don’t— You can— You can do what you want.”

The air around them was so tense and awkward that Remus had to fight the very strong urge to leave the room.

“Sirius do you— Do you _want_ to?”

“Want to what?” Sirius asked, frowning at the floor still.

“You know,” Remus said, trying to make himself utter out the words. “Be with me.” He took a deep breath. “If we were together, I wouldn’t go to Hogsmeade with anybody else.” It sounded like as if he was trying to bribe Sirius, but he tried not to think about it too hard. All he knew was that Sirius had been jealous, and James had told Remus earlier that Sirius _loved_ Remus.

“We can’t,” Sirius said curtly, and looked away.

“Why not?” Remus asked, wondering if James had threatened Sirius. Or maybe he had simply told him not to. Sirius listened to James more than himself, sometimes.

“I don’t…” Sirius’ voice drifted off and he looked around the room as if searching for something. “I can’t,” he clarified.

“Sirius, I know I was angry when you—” _Burned me._ “But it could be different. We don’t— We just need _boundaries.”_ He didn’t voice out loud that maybe they could build up to it. Remus enjoyed most of their aggressive plays. He could learn to love more of it, if he knew that Sirius _loved_ him. The thought nauseated and excited him at the same time, since it would mean that they would be together, like a couple. _As_ a couple.

“You don’t understand,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “There’s something wrong with me,” he added quietly.

Remus knew that the thing to do when your loved one said that, was to wrap your arms around them and tell them that no, there was nothing wrong with them, they were just having a tough time. But the werewolf _did_ think that there was something wrong with Sirius, and he wasn’t in the habit of lying to his friends when he didn’t have to. So he did the next best thing.

“There’s something wrong with all of us, Padfoot.”

When Sirius looked at Remus again, he looked wary, and confused.

“Pete can’t seem to fall out of love with cakes, and James can’t be humble even if it literally would get him the bird of his dreams.” He chuckled. “I won’t even get started with me and my furry problem.” _And the fact that I seem to love someone who hurts me. What does that say about me?_

“It’s not the same,” Sirius huffed. “I…” His eyes darted across the room as he thought, then he looked at Remus with determination. “Even now. You know what is going through my mind?”

Remus shook his head in answer to the rhetorical question.

“Part of me wants to— Wants to hex Johnson because how dare he. And part of me wants to kiss that bloody confused look off of your face because you look kissable. Part of me wants to— Wants to tell you good things. Nice things. Words that I know would make a less smart person swoon.” He was breathing heavily, his nostrils were flaring, and his hands were clenched into painful-looking fists, even though his words reflected none of the rage that he was showing. “But I still feel—” He looked down at his fists, and unclenched them, stretching his fingers. Somehow, his hands still looked stiff. He started shaking his head in disagreement to whatever thought he was having. “There’s something wrong with me,” he repeated.

“What can I do?” Remus asked. He knew he couldn’t ask the question he was _dying_ to know the answer to: What was going through Sirius’ mind that frustrated and scared the boy so much?

“Stay away from me,” Sirius said. Then he took a short but deep breath, and when he spoke again, his voice was kinder. “Be my mate. Only that.”

“Ok.”

It wasn’t. But Remus thought, as he looked at his distraught friend pace around the common room, that maybe it could be.

Sirius was struggling with his inner demons but at least he was struggling, and not as careless anymore. Not when it came to Remus, at least. A few months ago, Remus would have been literally bleeding right now, paying for another student asking him out unprompted. Now, Sirius looked on the verge of angry tears, and Remus felt that the Animagus was trying to protect Remus, not punish him.

“I’ll go back to the Charms classroom,” Remus said quietly, picking his bag up from the floor where he’d put it down earlier. “Tell Flitwick you were ill, and that I had to make sure that you were alright.”

Sirius nodded. “Thank you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Hogwarts!
> 
> I know this chapter is short, but honestly this was the end, and it didn't feel right forcing more for the sake of it.

It worked, to a certain extent, the “staying away” business. It was easy enough to keep out of Sirius’ bed now that there was less tension between the two boys. But what did prove surprisingly difficult was managing to not fall into old rhythms with the rest of it.

 

James would probably laugh in that confused way of his if Remus ever tried to explain this to him, but what Sirius and Remus had, it hadn’t  _ always _ been the painful, twisted thing that it had turned into. The beginning had been full of excitement and unstoppable desire to always be touching each other in some way. As their relationship had devolved into something darker, their closeness had not changed, not really. Their frantic snogging sessions had started ending in bruises, yes, but they would both be grinning at the end of those sessions. Even at the very end, when the fights had turned one-sided - even on the days Sirius hit Remus - he usually would have kissed or held him just an hour prior. No matter how bad the bad was, the good was  _ good. _

 

Looking back on it, Remus couldn’t explain exactly why he would miss Sirius’ leg touching his as they sat down in the classroom, or walking next to each other when they went to Hogsmeade, or the goodnight kisses, or anything else that they now knew to be Out Of Bounds. Objectively, none of these should be difficult to give up, not if the price for them was as high as Sirius was demanding. And yet, and yet… Remus found himself missing Sirius. Constantly. And he hated himself for it. He hated how as he tried to convince himself it was for the best, that Sirius hurt him - another part of him was coming up with excuses about how Remus deserved it, even wanted it.

 

Slowly, uncomfortably, Remus started to relax around Sirius. His breath didn’t catch when Sirius entered the room, and his shoulders didn’t tense when Sirius happened to walk closely, or pass by his bed in the dormitory. By May, they were even sitting next to each other again, sometimes, without James giving them worried or frustrated looks.

 

That’s why, just before NEWTs, in June, James and Peter hadn’t had any qualms leaving Sirius and Remus alone by the lake when they went to go see their girlfriends. Remus didn’t even notice his friends leave, in fact, as he was still revising, trying to remember all the dates he suspected might come up in the History of Magic exam. Remus’ oblivious comfort lasted as long as Sirius’ patience did.

 

“Hey, Moony?” Sirius called out, but when Remus raised his head from his book, Sirius was staring at the lake.

 

“Yes, Padfoot?” Remus took a quick glance around and saw that James and Peter were gone, but didn’t give it any thought, not right away.

 

“What are you going to do, when we leave this place?” Sirius sounded far away, and his eyes were focused on something in the horizon that Remus couldn’t see.

 

Remus shrugged. “Stay with my folks. Try to find a Muggle job closeby - difficult to apply from Hogwarts.”

 

Sirius pouted, but didn’t look at Remus. “Muggle job,” he repeated. Remus chose to hear his tone as distaste and not mockery.

 

“Not as if I’m getting a proper wizarding one, is it?” Remus responded, as lightly as he could. He was glad Sirius wasn’t looking at his flushed face.

 

Just as Remus thought that, Sirius gave him a sideways look. “You could live with me, you know. My house has a-- Well, two actually. Guestrooms. I could spare one.” His nonchalant tone was betrayed by how he was playing with the grass underneath his fingers and refusing to look at Remus.

 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, Sirius.” Remus closed his book and turned around to look at the lake as well. When he settled and his hand fell only an inch from Sirius’, he didn’t move it away.

 

“No, it wouldn’t,” Sirius agreed with a sad, lopsided smile. He didn’t sound hurt, or anything else Remus searched for in his voice in the hopes that this was as difficult for Sirius as it was for Remus.

 

Sirius got a boyfriend shortly after that, but Remus told himself that the two were unrelated. It only lasted until they left Hogwarts, but it was enough to convince Remus that Sirius  _ could _ be with someone without it getting dark and sour. It just couldn’t be Remus.

 

~

 

They talked nostalgically about it being the end of an era (for Hogwarts) and the start of a brand new adventure (for the Marauders) on the way back to King’s Cross. In celebration of their last trip, they bought the whole trolley of sweets and threw handfuls at compartments, mostly at random. If some Slytherins ended up puking, well, that was on them for eating too much chocolate.

 

And if Sirius hugged Remus a few seconds longer than necessary as they parted ways at the station, the werewolf didn’t complain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the thoughts, comments and kudos! <3


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